There is a reason our parents told us it “is the best policy.” Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free, saith Saint John. Most Honor Codes (if they exist anymore) state, “I will not lie, cheat, or steal, nor tolerate those who do.” And, of course, the little ones will chime in with a hearty, “liar pants on fire.” The obvious theme is truthfulness. It’s important stuff. It’s fundamental to our good order and discipline and necessary for citizens to function in a civil society. If it’s that important, why do most of us break the rule daily, if not hourly? Truth be told (no pun intended), we generally hate the truth; at least, I do. In many circumstances, it smarts.
I caught up with an old friend a few months ago; we had served together in Somalia, and during our chat, he made one of the most interesting and impactful comments I’ve heard lately. I’ll paraphrase, but the punchline was, “I enjoyed my time in the Regiment, loved the guys, loved the adventures, and all that, but I was an average ranger at best. I wasn’t setting the ranger world on fire by any imagination.” This wasn’t self-deprecating politeness; this was a guy telling the truth openly and without pretense. I always thought he was a solid guy, and he certainly never gave me any reason to doubt his abilities or commitment (he got out and has been tremendously successful in business for three decades). I don’t know if he was great, good, average, or even okay, but his self-assessment of a solid C, anything above 70 is wasted effort- was refreshing to hear.
It got me thinking about honesty and how I evaluate myself. Could I do this without dramatically swinging to the extremes we are all prone to? Also, I can’t help but compare myself to others in the success versus failure department, which, before we pass “Go,” makes this little chore all the more challenging.
I looked back over the last twenty years and had to reassess my feelings about how well or poorly I’ve done. I don’t think my initial assessment was made with honest eyes. Much like my Army life and the supposed meritocracy, I gauged “success” by comparing myself to others, and if I wasn’t above the standard, I felt I had failed. People said I was a good guy or at least a nice guy, and I worked hard; that Army work ethic, right? But what if I wasn’t delivering as advertised? Maybe I slacked off once or twice. Or what if I took my foot off the gas a little? Then what? No way, not me.
The first time I lost a job (the first of a couple), I immediately defaulted to the unfairness of the predicament, the lousy leadership, and certainly my unappreciated efforts. How dare they; the nerve! Over time, I realized that I didn’t even like the job, as much as it pained me to admit. And if we are being honest, I wasn’t that good at it anyway. Years later, I concluded that I should never have taken the position. I didn’t have the aptitude for it, so it would fail. My bad, not theirs.
I know it’s a silly example, but in the DNA here is honesty; we hate to hear it and especially hate to fix it. I never asked myself any of these questions (objectively, I hope), like, ” Am I a good leader?” Or, “How does this affect my family?” “Am I improving myself mentally, physically, and spiritually each day?” “Am I as attentive to my family as I am to myself?” Or this pesky gem, “Why am I doing this for me or someone else?” Years ago, I gave some Secret Service agents a class and explained a matrix of positions to the frequency of contact. The positions were not professional but personal: spouse, brother, son, friend, etc. The frequency covered hours to years. There were a lot of blank stares at the end, and one agent told me later, “You got me with that one; I’ve been fooling myself.”
I hope you take this in the most positive spirit of understanding, acknowledging, and accepting the truth about ourselves, not about anyone else. This isn’t a doom-and-gloom missive; I want it to be a positive exercise promoting our best health, fitness, and attitude.
None of us has this thing beat, not by a long shot. If I could, I would look you in the eye and say that you are allowed to acknowledge the things you do well, of which you have plenty. You’re allowed to champion the great, successful skills, traits, and characteristics you possess. Run with them all; it’s exciting, but don’t forget to peek at the other side of the coin: the need for improvements. What are you doing about those? Be honest.
I’m unsure if this is true, but speaking of internet honesty—which we will save for later—I read that the great actor Gary Oldman once said, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” Bravo, Mr. Oldman. You’re right. Be your honest broker because whatever you see in yourself is all that matters.
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Matt enlisted in the Army as an infantryman in December 1987 and was stationed at Fort Drum, NY, with the 10th Mountain Division. Starting in 1992, he served with the elite 75th Ranger Regiment, where he held many leadership positions throughout the 3rd Battalion and was the officer in charge of the 75th Ranger Regiment’s Pre-Ranger Course, where he prepared military leaders to pass the Army’s toughest training course, U.S. Army Ranger School. During his time with the 75th Ranger Regiment in August 1993, Matt and his company deployed to Mogadishu, Somalia, in support of Operation Gothic Serpent. The battle was made famous by the best-selling book and movie Black Hawk Down. Later, he served as the Operations Sergeant at the U.S. Army War College and taught leadership at The Johns Hopkins University ROTC program. Matt’s last military assignment was as an Infantry Company First Sergeant in the 10th Mountain Division. He and his men spent 15 months in Iraq during “the Surge,” fighting Al Qaeda and implementing the counter-insurgency strategy. Matt retired in 2008 and spent a decade in the healthcare, non-profit, and data management sectors before exploring his entrepreneurial spirit. He is a partner and co-founder of a consulting firm that prepares young leaders to join and compete in the workforce. Matt has been a professional speaker for over 20 years.
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